The whole leaving university situation has left me feeling drained, lost and anxious. I felt as though I was fighting a losing battle, in the sense that I think their answer was always going to be no despite what I did to convince them otherwise. It took up so much of my energy, gave me many sleepless nights and a good cry or two. I have done the easy part, now for the much more difficult part; trying to find a job and looking for volunteer work. Who knows what is next for me?!
I thought once I had made the decision it would get easier. The huge weight would have been lifted from my shoulders, and I could start to enjoy life again. However an incident last night has left me feeling very upset. I felt so hurt that I had to remove myself from the situation, only to find that I was stood in a supermarket car park alone, with tears running down my face. How stupid do I feel right now? I will not go into it but I will say that it left me feeling as though I was not good enough and worthless. There I was trying to do something which I thought was helpful, only to have it thrown back in my face. Now I do not know about you but when someone I love hurts me, it makes me question myself. Am I good enough? Could I do more?
I left university without a plan of action. You will probably think that is one of two things; stupid or brave. Those closest to me have made it clear that I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Yet they want me to be happy at the same time. For me, they cannot go together. I either make the ‘biggest mistake of my life’ and be happy or do not make the ‘biggest mistake of my life’ and be unhappy. It is one or the other and I chose happiness with no regrets! So why can they not be happy for me?
In the past I was someone who tried (and failed) to please everyone. But I have realised that you cannot live like that. It only forces you to be unhappy. So you have to live for the moment, your moment. And do what makes you happy, and if that involves other people then what a blessing that is to both of you. Stand for what you want even if it means standing alone. I guess what we all want is for people to be proud of us, especially those we love and care about. Surely those people should be proud of us anyway and support the decisions we make. Accept us for who we are, including our failures and mistakes, and love us for that. They should trust us in making our own decisions and doing what we feel is right for us, even if it will hurt them for a short while.
Love me for who I am, trust me in what I do and most of all accept me and the decisions I make.