Twenty: The one who broke your heart the hardest

Dear Caroline,

I am always quick to blame others when things go wrong or when my heart hurts so much that I feel as though it is going to be ripped from my chest. In fact, I am my biggest critic. I am the one who inflicts the most pain through my harsh words and my cruel lies…you will never be able to do that, you need to lose some weight. 

I am the one who broke my heart the hardest; my own heartbreaker. I convinced myself that in order to be the best I could for others I had to deny myself and my own feelings. I had to push my emotions aside to help others and in doing so, I created more pain than my heart could handle. I became useless to others as well as to myself. I allowed myself to be influenced by the damaging comments given from others…you will never be anything, you are so ugly, you are fat. They replayed over and over in my head until they were carved deep in my already hurting heart. I tried to change who I was so that I fitted in, so that I was no longer their victim. I thought I had to please everyone, and to do that I thought I had to be skinnier and prettier. I tried to modify myself and mould myself into someone unrecognisable. And all that was to satisfy those around me. My biggest mistake was not realising when enough was enough. I pushed and pushed myself until I was miserable.

Now that I have realised enough is enough, I can allow my heart to start healing. All those little pieces will once again be united; once again my heart will be whole. I now understand that I was made to be me. I was created exactly the way I should be including all my faults and flaws. I do not have to change; I just have to embrace who I am. And when I embrace myself, my heart will be stronger and will hopefully stay intact.

Love yourself x

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