Those four walls became my prison….

The first time I heard a Jessie J song I was dragging four heavy, overflowing bags up three flights of stairs. One of the girls on the floor below me had her door open and it seemed like there was a crowd squeezed into her room. Jessie J Do it like a dude was blaring from her laptop. I was in a horrific mood…I was returning to a place that I should have been able to call home, but home was the last place I would call it. A place I should have felt happy and safe, but it had, in such a short space of time, become a place of unhappiness and vulnerability. I was desperate to reach my room on the top floor of this four storey building without being noticed. But I was noticed and within seconds the laughter started and so did the snide little comments. I reached my room, locked myself in and collapsed on the floor in tears. 

For the next month, those four walls became my prison. I locked myself away in my own little world and refused to leave unless it was absolutely necessary. I was stuck in the confines of a tiny room with just a laptop and some family photographs stuck to my wall for company. During that time music really touched my heart. I found myself listening more closely to the words of songs I had heard dozens of times before. I guess I was searching for a sense of purpose and wanting to find meaning for the situation I had found myself in. Throughout that month I went to some very dark places; I slept most days so that I did not have to listen to my body begging for food and to block out those around me.

After what seemed like a lifetime I found myself back home. Nothing had changed, except me. I was not the same person who went away five months earlier. I left home in the September excited about my future, excited about growing up and living on my own. I was happy. I returned the following February a completely different person. I looked in the mirror and did not recognise the person staring back at me. My confidence had been shattered and all the work I had put in to get to where I was all seemed worthless. I was back to square one.

The next few weeks were a blur. I was trying to settle back into a life I had once been so familiar with. It was tough and there were times where I thought I would not make it through. But one day, everything changed. I had woken up and switched on my laptop. I opened up my iTunes and, without looking, clicked a random song; Nobody’s Perfect by Jessie J. This realisation could not have come at a better time. I burst into tears at my dining room table. I had found the meaning of the situation. And for the first time in weeks, I stopped blaming myself for being imperfect. I accepted that I was only human, and that I am bound to mess up. I was just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes.

It started with tears and ended with tears. It began with a Jessie J song and it ended with a Jessie J song. Jessie J has written some amazing songs that have been there for me through the good and bad times. She is an inspiration to me and I really cannot wait to see her live next year.


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