Saturday evening, it is not yet nine o clock in the evening and I am tucked up in bed with a huge bar of Galaxy chocolate! I am mentally exhausted. It has been a long, emotional week.
I don’t understand why I have wanted to break down every five minutes. But that is the reality when you live with a hidden illness. I have just not been myself this week and my stress levels hit their limits yesterday. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and unreliable yet I am the type of person who will break their back to see a smile on somebody else’s face. I don’t know why I continously strive to make others happy when it knocks me down so much. Am I really a nice person? Or just a pushover? I really don’t know the answer.
My unwanted friend paranoia has returned. It has completely shattered my confidence in my abilities, my friendships and myself. People I counted as friends have made me feel hurt and broken, vulnerable and scared. Today I came across something that made my eyes well up and it knocked my self confidence. I saw a note that said I was not allowed to do something which to me is a simple task. I felt hulimated and really doubted myself. I felt as though people where treating me as if I was stupid. I felt sick for the rest of the day and closed myself off. I have not felt that way in such a long time and I had forgotten how to deal with it. I have spent such a long time building myself up that I had forgotten what it felt like to be vulnerable, forgotten what it felt like to be broken and doubtful. I had forgotten what reality felt like. Maybe I need a revision lesson with vulnerability and brokenness? A lesson with self doubt? I need to reacquaint myself with these to save myself from the hurt caused by others. Or maybe to save myself full stop?!