Today I realised that you do not know how someone feels until you are put in their shoes. I received a text from a friend who lives about an hour and a half away. She is going through a really difficult time at the moment and is involved with things that are destroying her. I know she wants help but she is scared. I want to help her but I am scared too. A few hours after the first text, I received another one saying she was just walking around. It was nearly nine o clock in the evening and it was getting quite dark. I was worried about her and quickly replied telling her she needed to go home. I did not want to sound like her mother but I really value her as a friend. I was desperate to get through to her but, knowing she was not in the right frame of mind, all I could do was pray that she made it home safely.
This incident has left me feeling helpless. There is physically nothing I can do for her as we are so far apart. If I could take away the pain, I would. If I was able to switch places with her, again I would. If I could, I would get in my car, drive to her town and search for her.
I also feel a little ashamed of myself. In the past I have had people be concerned for me the way I am concerned about my friend. I have had people tell ME that I need to go home when I have not been in the right frame of mind to be out at night. Regretfully I ignored their advice. I now know how it feels to be ignored when you are only acting in the best interests of someone you care about. I have had people tell me all the things I am telling my friend. The things you say when someone is sad. The things you hope they may grasp onto and somehow they will start to feel better. Again I often ignored those things and sometimes I even threw them back in the faces of those who where trying to help. I was in such a terrible place that I did not want to hear that it was not always going to be the way it was. I wanted it to be different right there and then. My friend has, like myself, dismissed the words I am saying to her. She has brushed them off and made it clear that she is not ready to change. Although I know she is and deep down she knows it too.
So I want to say to those people reading this who have tried to help and support me that I am sorry. I am sorry for the times I ignored you and made you feel helpless. I am sorry for the times I threw your kind words back in your face and told you that I did not want to know. I am sorry for the times I listened to your advice but chose to ignore it. I now have an insight into how I made you feel and it hurts. Therefore it must have hurt you too.