Lately I have been thinking a lot. My heart has felt heavy and there is so much going on in my head. I am not even sure that any of this will make sense to anyone. It does not really make sense to me.
As a Christian I try to get involved in church as much as I can. I help organise events, I attend a card making class, a bible study, the coffee morning, the Sunday service and weekly prayer meetings. Sometimes I sit and look around church. I notice the same people sitting together, talking together, laughing together. Sometimes I feel isolated, other times I feel discouraged. Sometimes it does not bother me at all.
At the moment, in our prayer meetings, we have been talking and praying about unity and about being together as one, seeking God and His will for our lives as well as our church. I have found the prayer meetings interesting but I often leave at the end feeling a little frustrated and very confused. Everyone, who attends the prayer meetings, seems to be for unity and for doing things together yet I do not see evidence of this in other areas of church life. For example, at the moment, I am near enough single handedly organising one of the, if not biggest, events in our church calender. I am struggling to find people to help. I am stressed because there is so much to do and so little time. I have sent out requests and have had hardly any response. I feel discouraged and I am disappointed. There have been times over the last week where I have wanted to throw the towel in, and to say I quit. But I cannot walk away. I see the people we are raising money for and I know some of their situations. I have heard some of their life stories. They are what moved me to action in the first place. My heart ached for these people and I had to do something. I could not sit back and leave it to someone else. I wanted to help. That is why I cannot give up and that is why I am determined to see this through!
So really what has been on my heart and my mind is the lack of support and unity that I feel is present. It saddens me to see people so desperate to seek God’s will together but when it comes to actually doing work for God they cannot be further apart even if they tried.
I am aware that people will read this who attend my church but I simply had to get this out because it has been eating away at me for quite some time. I will not apologise for my feelings, my thoughts or my opinions.