Recently as part of my word challenge for this year I wrote a post about anger and how I felt towards God over the loss of my brother. Since then it has played on my mind an awful lot. I have managed to speak to other people about the anger I am feeling. I wanted to share with you a little of the journey I have been on.
As a Christian I believe that God is always good and I believe that He is for us and not against us. As you can probably imagine when we lost my brother my faith was shaken and everything I had believed in for the last twelve years felt as though it was not worth it. My whole world came crashing down. I felt lost and confused and frustrated. I did not feel angry at the time. I was so caught up feeling confused and alone that I could not feel angry. Anger did not even enter my mind. However recently, as I am adjusting to life without my brother, anger has entered my life. It was as though I woke up one morning and the anger had moved itself in overnight. It was not just an annoyance that he was gone. It was a complete, full blown anger and it scared me. The only one I felt I could direct my anger towards was God. Over the last few weeks I have cried more often than not and I have asked God over and over why he called Matthew home. But I never received a reply until now. God placed on my heart Job 14 verse 5 – You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer.(New Living Translation) God called Matthew home that day in January because he had fulfilled his purpose on Earth.
God is in the process of changing my heart. He has me in the palm of his hand. Despite what I have been through I can still say that God loves me and He wants the best for me.