Thirty: Your reflection in the mirror

When I look in the mirror I see the same person I saw this time last year. Well my appearance has changed slightly; my red hair dye has faded leaving me with hair in between brown and blonde (which I absolutely dislike), I have more spots than I did back then and I have put on more weight than I had hoped I would. But I am still the same person inside. Continue reading

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Twenty Eight: Someone that changed your life

Dear God,

It makes perfect sense to write this letter to you. You have changed my life, you are still changing it and you will continue to change it in future.

Before I found you I was broken and harbouring regrets. Mistakes and accidents constantly replayed over and over in my mind. You took all the pieces of my shattered life and began to knit them together again. One day, I will be complete in you.

You are leading me away from the things that keep pulling me apart, the things that have destroyed me for six years. One by one you are removing those from my life by giving me the courage I need to fight. You are there for me when I feel like I have nobody else. When I feel like others do not understand me, I have you who completely understands everything about me because I was made by your hands. You give me hope when I am at my lowest and you constantly fill my life with love and peace. When I am weak, you are my strength.

I owe so much to you because without you I do not know where I would be. You bring purpose and meaning to my life. You have saved me, restored me and will continue to do so until I take my last breath on this earth.

Thank you for loving me, especially when I did not deserve it!

 Love your daughter, Caroline x

Twenty Seven: The friendliest person you knew for a short time

Dear Ines,

Sometimes people are placed into our lives at exactly the right time. You were one of those people. I was alone and vulnerable, broken and hurt. But then you came along and it was as if God was saying you are not alone. I will protect you.

I was hated by every face around me. I could not enter a room without a snide comment or a pathetic snigger. I lost my appetite, and was constantly tired yet I could not close my eyes. I was scared of what might of happened next or what remark would be made.

You picked me up after the fall. You allowed me to be a part of your life. We drank hot chocolate and watched films in your tiny flat, and we danced the night away at various halls of residence bars. You accepted me when everyone else had rejected me. You were there for me in one of the darkest times I have ever faced. Just when I thought my hope had run out, you restored and strengthened it.

I truly believe that God sent you as my guardian angel. I can honestly say that without you I would not be here writing this letter; I would be buried in the ground or scattered in a significant place. You kept me safe and you reminded me daily to keep breathing and to keep smiling. You looked out for me until my parents came to take me back to my one and only home. The place where I should have  always stayed.

I want you to know that I am stronger now. I am a fighter, and I definitely do not give up at the first hurdle. I am so much happier too. Life could not be better.

Thank you for being so lovely. Thank you for loving me when I did not deserve it. The world needs more little gems like you.

Hope you are well!

Love Caroline x

Twenty Six: The last person you made a promise to

Dear VL,

I noticed you were upset and messaged to see how you were doing. You were not in a good way. You had so much going on in your head and you were starting to lose sight of your purpose, starting to lose the hope that you were trying so hard to cling to. So we talked things through and I promised that things would get better. I promised you that your pain was only temporary because in life nothing bad lasts forever; like the headache that disappears when you have taken a painkiller – it may bug you for an hour or two but it eventually fades. Or the fall that breaks your foot – it keeps you down for a few weeks but it eventually heals. I promised that one day you would wake up and realise how amazing your life is, and how special you are to your family and friends.

I reminded you that you are loved in more ways than could ever be explained. You are wanted by more people than you can even imagine. You are valued and you are respected. You are worthy of love, and of time and affection. And those are words that I want to remind you off. If I could I would remind you every single day.

Those are words I would urge you to remember. When life is going downhill or when you feel like there is nobody there for you just remember those simple words, those short sentences because you mean more to others than you will ever know.

Love Caroline x

Twenty Five: The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear KH,

I have so much admiration for you because I look at you and see a brave young woman, even though you think brave is the last thing you are. You feel like you have no hope but I can guarantee that you are wrong. There is hope. Just take a look around you. You are surrounded by people who are desperate for you to be free from your addictions, people who are desperate to love you and people desperate to show you what an amazing life you have waiting for you.

I used to feel the same way you do, thinking there was no point in anything and thinking that I was always going to be held back by my mistakes.  I thought that I was always going to be bound by my addictions. I was convinced that they were going to break me. I have fought for my freedom for six years and even though I am not there yet, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep on fighting because every step forward you take is a step closer to freedom and a step closer to the life you were created to live. It will get better but for that to happen you have to keep going.

Always keep a smile on your face because smiles really do brighten up the lives of those around you. Hold on tightly to your great sense of humour because laughter is the best medicine.

You are an inspiration to many and I urge you to remember that!

Love Caroline x

Twenty four: The person/people who gave you your favourite memory

Dear my school friends,

For this letter I had to choose one person who gave me my favourite memory but that was proving difficult. Therefore I decided to choose just eight out of my many favourite school memories. Many of them will probably be you had to be there moments. So if you were a part of these memories, thank you for making my school years the best they could be. You are all absolutely amazing. 

One of my all-time favourite school memories has to be the day Darren accidentally set the sixth form carpet on fire, leaving a massive burn mark. We had brought a birthday cake for Sophie and one of the candles would not light. So Darren decided to use a paper towel to try to light it but the whole paper towel went on fire. So he threw it onto the WOODEN table, realised it was wood and pushed it onto the floor. Huge mistake! The carpet caught fire leaving us to hide the burn mark from our strict head of year who was walking towards us in the common room…we definitely did not look suspicious!

When we were in sixth form we went to the Lake District for a team building trip. One night my friends and I were in our room talking. At the time I was in the habit of saying ‘are you messing me’ at every single thing. I cannot remember what we were talking about but I accidentally said ‘are you holidaying me’ instead and Kate cried with laughter, which I found funnier than what I had actually said. Kate went on to remind me of this at every given opportunity and it was still funny a year later.

 In lower school, we had eggs thrown into the school playground on numerous occasions. Every time this happened everyone would run around screaming and all the teachers would come out to see what all the commotion was about. The funniest time was when Mr Bracken brought out his video camera and started to climb the fence in order to catch the culprits on camera. We laughed for weeks after that!

I studied Philosophy in year twelve and my teacher was a little strange. We were in a lesson one day and the song Low by Flo Rida had not long been released. Our teacher who I must add was in his forties, randomly put it on YouTube and stood at the front of the class and started dancing. It scarred me for life but was rather amusing. I dropped Philosophy at the end of the year….

We once went on an overnight trip to London for A Level English, supposedly to enrich our knowledge of William Blake – I remember zero facts I was told that day. Our teacher had booked us a table in the Rainforest Café for our evening dinner. Whilst we were having dinner, children were there celebrating their birthdays. The staff asked them to stand on their chairs and the restaurant would sing happy birthday to them. One of the boys in my English class thought it would be funny to tell our waiter that it was our English teacher’s birthday. And that is exactly what he did. Her face went as red as a tomato and she reluctantly stepped up onto her chair and the whole restaurant sung happy birthday to her. And being lovely students we filmed it. She wanted to kill us!

In GCSE English, we used to mess about….a lot! One of my friends used to sit in front of me. Boredom had taken over and she had found a dictionary and was going through finding random, funny words. When she found ones she thought where particularly funny she would turn round and whisper them and their definitions to me. It was so difficult to keep a straight face. One of the words she read out made us laugh so hard that our teacher asked in front of the whole class have you been looking up rude words again? My friend went straight back to her work, in order to hide the colour of her cheeks!

Sociology in year thirteen was one of my favourite lessons. Also one of the funniest, especially when we had Mr Jenkins. He was such a random teacher and always told us jokes that were not funny but we laughed anyway. Do not waste paper; it does not grow on trees. It would have been a record if he got through a two hour lesson without saying that one. He also liked to dance in class, especially when he thought nobody was watching. That is the best way, right? But seriously what was it with teachers dancing? Mrs O Neill lessons were fun when Sam and I would spend two hours on a Monday morning telling each other about our weekend adventures and antics; only we often had an extra listener: Mrs O Neill as her computer was right in front of our desk. I bet she secretly loved hearing about what clubs we had been to, and what we had been drinking.

Finally I have to mention my ECDL lessons in year nine which I failed, again and again and again. Not because I could not do it, I could if I had actually spent time working instead of playing on Bejeweled Blitz with Kirsty. We spent hour after hour trying to beat each other’s high score. Competitive? I think so. It was not like we were the only ones; at least three-quarters of the class would be messing around playing games. They were good times! And anyway I do not need an ECDL certificate/grade to say I can work a computer. I think I have got pretty far without one…

 So there you have them, a selection of some of my favourite memories with some of my favourite people.

I love and miss you all so much.

 Love Caroline x