Recently as part of my word challenge for this year I wrote a post about anger and how I felt towards God over the loss of my brother. Since then it has played on my mind an awful lot. I have managed to speak to other people about the anger I am feeling. I wanted to share with you a little of the journey I have been on.
82/365: Anger — I try not to allow myself to get angry. I get annoyed and frustrated but never angry. Anger is a horrible thing to feel. It is a reaction to something you have no control over, something that has happened that you cannot change. Recently anger has been having its way with me. I hate to admit that but it is true. And the one I am angry with makes it even more frustrating. I do not want to be angry but I cannot help it.
81/365: Alone — Sometimes I like being alone and others time I hate it. Some people find themselves alone when all they really want is someone to be there. I think being alone can be terrifying. It can be really difficult. These past few weeks I have felt so alone despite being surrounded by people.
64/365: Loneliness — Loneliness to me is one of the worse things anyone can experience. When you are lonely you doubt yourself. You overthink and become critical of yourself. You crush every single compliment that has ever been given to you. You pick out all your faults and repeat them to yourself over and over again. Loneliness, in my opinion, causes mental illness. The worse kind of loneliness is when you are surrouded by people yet feel like you are not. Loneliness hurts and it is a horrible thing to go through.
I often wonder what would happen if I just left home one day and failed to return? Would people actually notice? Would they really care? Would I care what people thought?
What would happen if I just stopped turning up to my regular hangouts? If I stopped texting and calling? If I decided I did not want to be involved in the same things anymore?
Truth is, I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know where I belong. The even bigger truth is that I don’t know who I am anymore.
For the attention of my readers: this post is purely a work of fiction
She stood in front of the full length mirror, cradling her stomach. She could not believe that a whole new life was hiding inside.