107/365: Battle — We all face battles in life; some serious and some not so. We fight to save our relationships, to keep our friends, our jobs and our families together. Everything in life requires work. If we want something to work we have to put the effort in. Sometimes we can feel as though we are going round in circles and situations feel hopeless. Some of us face personal battles that can be overwhelming. Those battles are hard and tiring. They wear us out to the point that even getting out of bed or keeping our eyes open is a battle. I urge you to keep going. Keep heading towards the end of the tunnel because it will come. I promise.
Lately I have been thinking a lot. My heart has felt heavy and there is so much going on in my head. I am not even sure that any of this will make sense to anyone. It does not really make sense to me.
I have been silent for the past nine days. Life has taken me on a roller-coaster ride over the last week or so. There have been far more lows than I would have liked but I am still standing. I am on my way back up.
This evening I was driving to church around quarter to six for the Bible study which started last week. It has been raining horrendously for the past two days. That rain where it smacks the windows furiously and bangs on the roof. Luckily I left home and the rain had stopped. The sun had come out and, to me, that only means one thing: a rainbow. As I tried to concentrate on the road I scanned the sky for this rainbow. I did not have to look for long. There beaming bright in the sky was a rainbow. It was so, so beautiful. As I looked at it (and tried not to crash my car) I noticed that there was not just one but two rainbows. The second one was very faint but still visible if you looked hard enough. I smiled to myself and thanked God for giving me this wonderful scene. In the past, God has always given me a rainbow when I have been going through some difficult things. I carried on my journey which thankfully was only another two minutes long, parked my car and jumped out armed with my phone ready to snap the beautiful image in front of me.
So tonight, on the eve of my twenty-third birthday, I want to thank God for reminding me that He is with me. I want to thank Him for his unconditional love and grace that He showers me with on a daily basis. His mercy and kindness towards me is everlasting. He will never fail me nor give up on me. For those reasons, I intend to run towards Him and open up my heart to Him.
Today I realised that you do not know how someone feels until you are put in their shoes. I received a text from a friend who lives about an hour and a half away. She is going through a really difficult time at the moment and is involved with things that are destroying her. I know she wants help but she is scared. I want to help her but I am scared too. A few hours after the first text, I received another one saying she was just walking around. It was nearly nine o clock in the evening and it was getting quite dark. I was worried about her and quickly replied telling her she needed to go home. I did not want to sound like her mother but I really value her as a friend. I was desperate to get through to her but, knowing she was not in the right frame of mind, all I could do was pray that she made it home safely.
This incident has left me feeling helpless. There is physically nothing I can do for her as we are so far apart. If I could take away the pain, I would. If I was able to switch places with her, again I would. If I could, I would get in my car, drive to her town and search for her.
I also feel a little ashamed of myself. In the past I have had people be concerned for me the way I am concerned about my friend. I have had people tell ME that I need to go home when I have not been in the right frame of mind to be out at night. Regretfully I ignored their advice. I now know how it feels to be ignored when you are only acting in the best interests of someone you care about. I have had people tell me all the things I am telling my friend. The things you say when someone is sad. The things you hope they may grasp onto and somehow they will start to feel better. Again I often ignored those things and sometimes I even threw them back in the faces of those who where trying to help. I was in such a terrible place that I did not want to hear that it was not always going to be the way it was. I wanted it to be different right there and then. My friend has, like myself, dismissed the words I am saying to her. She has brushed them off and made it clear that she is not ready to change. Although I know she is and deep down she knows it too.
So I want to say to those people reading this who have tried to help and support me that I am sorry. I am sorry for the times I ignored you and made you feel helpless. I am sorry for the times I threw your kind words back in your face and told you that I did not want to know. I am sorry for the times I listened to your advice but chose to ignore it. I now have an insight into how I made you feel and it hurts. Therefore it must have hurt you too.
I have known this song for a number of years. It brings tears to my eyes every time I listen to it. The lyrics are so powerful and so true.
Sometimes in life we find ourselves on the edge of losing everything we have. We damage our relationships as well as ourselves. We go through things that change us and we have no control over them. We do things that have consequences. We say things we do not mean and we hurt those that we love.
I have found this song a real comfort to me when I have felt alone or lost.
Four years ago I moved away to university. I loved my first three months and I made friends with those I was studying with. Just before the Christmas break there was a major fall out within the halls of residence I was staying in. The whole block became divided and things got very, very nasty. Hurtful things were said, doors were slammed and comments and laughs were thrown at me everywhere I went. I often went into my room, locked the door and put on this song. I clung to the lyrics as though I was clinging on to my life. I knew that what was happening around me was not going to last forever. I knew that there was a time when God would remove me from the situation. I hated the waiting. I got very scared, anxious and locked myself away. But I knew God was faithful, and I knew He was right there with me in what I was going through. There were times, back then, when I would put this song on, and lie down on my bed with tears streaming down my face. I was losing hope, my heart was aching from what had been done and said to me and nobody was there for me. For the last few weeks I was in that place, nobody spoke a friendly word to me. And that really hurt. I spent two years after that building myself back up and regaining my confidence.
Four years on and I am still clinging to God. The words of this song are still very close to my heart. God has healed me of the hurt I went through at university. He has given me answers to the questions I cried to Him when I was alone in my university bedroom. Even though things are not perfect right now, I will still praise Him. I will still worship Him with everything I have. Because He IS faithful and He IS true.