Recently as part of my word challenge for this year I wrote a post about anger and how I felt towards God over the loss of my brother. Since then it has played on my mind an awful lot. I have managed to speak to other people about the anger I am feeling. I wanted to share with you a little of the journey I have been on.
65/365: Disappointment — We all experience disappointment. We disappoint ourselves, our families and friends. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. We hurt other people. Sometimes when we are angry or upset our actions or words can disappoint others. I believe that if we are disappointed by the actions or words of someone we care about we should never tell them. Simply because telling someone that they have disappointed you can do more harm than good. It can make them feel worthless and annoyed with themselves. It can damage them more than you will ever know. Recently someone told me I had disappointed them. It hurt an awful lot. One of the reasons it hurt was because I was doing what I felt was right. I was told I had disappointed someone because I expressed how the actions of another person had upset me. I felt as though I was not allowed to stand up for myself, felt as though what I was feeling was not important. As humans we all have the right to live our lives happy. We also have the right to stand up for ourselves and to speak out when something has upset us.
20/365: Memories — We all have memories. Happy memories, sad memories. Memories that make us laugh and those that make us cry. The truth is memories are the things that hold us together. When things are tough we look to those good, happy memories to help us through. Life without memories would not be a life at all
I though I was dreaming, seeing you lying there. Then I touched your cold face and realised I was awake and this was reality. You were actually gone. Tears ran down my face as I kissed your cheek. I told you I loved you so much and longed for you to say yes like you always did. But you didn’t. The only sounds were of people crying. We sat with you and talked to you. It looked as though you were just sleeping. We kissed you and told you we would come and see you again the next day.
The drive home was horrible. The car was silent except for the odd sniffle as we tried to digest that you weren’t going to be coming back home. Walking into the house destroyed me. Everywhere I looked there were reminders of you; your box of toys, your coat hanging on the back of a chair, your cds stacked on the shelf. I would have given anything to have heard your banging feet coming in behind me, to hear you ask for Alison Moyet on your machine, to see you throwing your toys around the room. Anything.
You have been gone for over twenty four hours and believe me they have been the longest hours of my life. I still cannot get my head around it. You are never again going to be at home with us. I will never hear you sing or laugh again. I won’t hear you ask for your favourite meal or favourite CD. I won’t ever again be told off for singing along to your music. I won’t feel your arms wrapped around me for a hug and I won’t get anymore surprise kisses. Never again will I hear you ask for a second breakfast or shout at the top of your voice for your daddy Roy. I will never again hear you say that everything, and everyone, was gorgeous.
I always said you would be a heartbreaker. There are so many broken hearts right at this moment. You easily touched the lives of over a hundred people, possibly even two hundred. The lights of so many lives were dimmed when you closed your eyes for the final time. You brought so much happiness and joy into the lives of those around you. I am so lucky that God chose me to be your little sister. You gave me twenty three years of love, laughter, fun and memories that I will treasure. I promise I will never, ever forget you and I promise to live my life to the full. I love you more than words can ever say.
Rest in Peace gorgeous boy, until we meet again xx
I often wonder what would happen if I just left home one day and failed to return? Would people actually notice? Would they really care? Would I care what people thought?
What would happen if I just stopped turning up to my regular hangouts? If I stopped texting and calling? If I decided I did not want to be involved in the same things anymore?
Truth is, I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know where I belong. The even bigger truth is that I don’t know who I am anymore.
She watched as he gathered together his clothes and tossed them into the suitcase which lay open beside the double bed. The bed they had shared for the last two and a half years. She was heartbroken, tears streaming down her face. The one person she loved with everything she had was leaving with no explanation or reason.
She could not understand what she had done wrong….she loved him, cared for him, sacrificed her time for him yet it did not seem like enough. She must have been able to do something more. She knew he had struggles, she knew that he faced demons inside his head. She thought that she made him smile, and made him happy. But at this very moment she did not know who or how he was, she did not recognise him. The man she fell in love with had disappeared. She did not know why or how but she knew that he was different.