I wish I knew what was going on in my head.
I wish there was a name I could give this behaviour but there isn’t.
I wish I could put into words why I am so emotional, why tears escape my eyes at every given opportunity but I can’t.
I wish I knew why I am so afraid, what it is that I am scared of but I don’t.
I have seen this quote a number of times over the years but it has only been recently that it started to mean something to me. Over the past two weeks I have been through something that has changed me. It has destroyed my confidence and knocked me down to the ground. It has made me question who I can call upon as friends. It has forced me to take a look at my life and consider what I am doing with it. I will admit that I am scared. I feel totally alone and vulnerable. I feel lost and far away from those I love and care about. My head is full of regrets, guilt and anger. I am finding it hard to deal with these emotions. I wish that everything could go back to ‘normal’ but it can’t. What do I do? Who I go to when I need help? Who do I go to when I just want to break down and cry? I feel as though I have nobody. Nobody understands what is going on in my head and nobody can take away the pain and destruction caused by a stranger. I just need someone to be beside me and promise to not leave me. I need someone to hold my hand and promise to not let it go. I am weak and I cannot do this by myself……
She once had it all figured out,
Thought she knew what life was about.
She was happy, everything to live for,
Could not wait to get out the door.
It has been just over a week since I last saw you and I miss you so much. I have spent the last few hours trying to be mad at you. But, no matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to dislike you. Even when you have upset or hurt me I still love you. In fact, those times make me just want to cuddle up close to you until everything is better.
You are gentle with your words and loving with your actions. You give the best hugs; it feels as though you are holding onto me for dear life. Your scent is gorgeous and I love that I can still smell it long after you have gone.
I need to stop missing you and need to stop letting you know. It breaks my heart knowing I do not mean half as much to you as you do to me. I wish that I did not feel so lost without you by my side.
All I want right now is to lay beside you and fall asleep cuddling you, allowing you to stop these nightmares and let me sleep peacefully.
So today (well technically yesterday) we spent the day taking selfies, enjoying the sun in Abersoch and drinks in my favourite pub; The Sandpiper.
But I am going to bed on a slight low after a few of those I am close to upset me. They thought they were being funny but words can and do hurt regardless of the context! I have been left feeling isolated and unwanted by those I really care about. It is times like these I just want to stand in a corner and scream as loud as I can.
Today’s selfies with my friends:
The first time I heard a Jessie J song I was dragging four heavy, overflowing bags up three flights of stairs. One of the girls on the floor below me had her door open and it seemed like there was a crowd squeezed into her room. Jessie J Do it like a dude was blaring from her laptop. I was in a horrific mood…I was returning to a place that I should have been able to call home, but home was the last place I would call it. A place I should have felt happy and safe, but it had, in such a short space of time, become a place of unhappiness and vulnerability. I was desperate to reach my room on the top floor of this four storey building without being noticed. But I was noticed and within seconds the laughter started and so did the snide little comments. I reached my room, locked myself in and collapsed on the floor in tears.
For the next month, those four walls became my prison. I locked myself away in my own little world and refused to leave unless it was absolutely necessary. I was stuck in the confines of a tiny room with just a laptop and some family photographs stuck to my wall for company. During that time music really touched my heart. I found myself listening more closely to the words of songs I had heard dozens of times before. I guess I was searching for a sense of purpose and wanting to find meaning for the situation I had found myself in. Throughout that month I went to some very dark places; I slept most days so that I did not have to listen to my body begging for food and to block out those around me.
After what seemed like a lifetime I found myself back home. Nothing had changed, except me. I was not the same person who went away five months earlier. I left home in the September excited about my future, excited about growing up and living on my own. I was happy. I returned the following February a completely different person. I looked in the mirror and did not recognise the person staring back at me. My confidence had been shattered and all the work I had put in to get to where I was all seemed worthless. I was back to square one.
The next few weeks were a blur. I was trying to settle back into a life I had once been so familiar with. It was tough and there were times where I thought I would not make it through. But one day, everything changed. I had woken up and switched on my laptop. I opened up my iTunes and, without looking, clicked a random song; Nobody’s Perfect by Jessie J. This realisation could not have come at a better time. I burst into tears at my dining room table. I had found the meaning of the situation. And for the first time in weeks, I stopped blaming myself for being imperfect. I accepted that I was only human, and that I am bound to mess up. I was just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes.
It started with tears and ended with tears. It began with a Jessie J song and it ended with a Jessie J song. Jessie J has written some amazing songs that have been there for me through the good and bad times. She is an inspiration to me and I really cannot wait to see her live next year.