98/365: Bed

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98/365: Bed — I adore my bed! I like having the space to spread out or to curl up. My bed has been there through my trials and tears. I love nothing more than getting into bed after a long, tiring day and falling sleep.

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82/365: Anger

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82/365: Anger — I try not to allow myself to get angry. I get annoyed and frustrated but never angry. Anger is a horrible thing to feel. It is a reaction to something you have no control over, something that has happened that you cannot change. Recently anger has been having its way with me. I hate to admit that but it is true. And the one I am angry with makes it even more frustrating. I do not want to be angry but I cannot help it.
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50/365: Missing

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50/365: Missing — We all miss something or someone. You can miss the days when you were younger and had no cares in the world. You can miss someone who has gone away. Today the miss I am feeling is overwhelming. I miss my gorgeous big brother. I miss his laughter and his smile. I miss him singing along to his music. I miss his hugs and kisses. The only comfort I have is knowing that he is resting in the arms of his Saviour. Missing you always xxx

17/365: Tears

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17/365: Tears — Many things in life cause tears. Some huge, life changing things and others not so big. It is said that tears are words that the heart cannot express. I believe that is true. Sometimes there are no words for what you are going through. Tears can portray a number of things; happiness, sadness, anger, pain. Tears are good and tears are definitely okay. So next time life attacks you with something that breaks your heart and words are simply inadequate then let the tears fall.

Goodnight Matthew

I though I was dreaming, seeing you lying there. Then I touched your cold face and realised I was awake and this was reality. You were actually gone. Tears ran down my face as I kissed your cheek. I told you I loved you so much and longed for you to say yes like you always did. But you didn’t. The only sounds were of people crying. We sat with you and talked to you. It looked as though you were just sleeping. We kissed you and told you we would come and see you again the next day.

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New Year’s Day 2015

The drive home was horrible. The car was silent except for the odd sniffle as we tried to digest that you weren’t going to be coming back home. Walking into the house destroyed me. Everywhere I looked there were reminders of you; your box of toys, your coat hanging on the back of a chair, your cds stacked on the shelf. I would have given anything to have heard your banging feet coming in behind me, to hear you ask for Alison Moyet on your machine, to see you throwing your toys around the room. Anything.

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Mr Tambourine Man

You have been gone for over twenty four hours and believe me they have been the longest hours of my life. I still cannot get my head around it. You are never again going to be at home with us. I will never hear you sing or laugh again. I won’t hear you ask for your favourite meal or favourite CD. I won’t ever again be told off for singing along to your music. I won’t feel your arms wrapped around me for a hug and I won’t get anymore surprise kisses. Never again will I hear you ask for a second breakfast or shout at the top of your voice for your daddy Roy. I will never again hear you say that everything, and everyone, was gorgeous.

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Siblings

I always said you would be a heartbreaker. There are so many broken hearts right at this moment. You easily touched the lives of over a hundred people, possibly even two hundred. The lights of so many lives were dimmed when you closed your eyes for the final time. You brought so much happiness and joy into the lives of those around you. I am so lucky that God chose me to be your little sister. You gave me twenty three years of love, laughter, fun and memories that I will treasure. I promise I will never, ever forget you and I promise to live my life to the full. I love you more than words can ever say.

Rest in Peace gorgeous boy, until we meet again xx

I often wonder…

 I often wonder what would happen if I just left home one day and failed to return? Would people actually notice? Would they really care? Would I care what people thought?

What would happen if I just stopped turning up to my regular hangouts? If I stopped texting and calling? If I decided I did not want to be involved in the same things anymore?

Truth is, I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know where I belong. The even bigger truth is that I don’t know who I am anymore.

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