Unfortunately, life has to go on….

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote…life has been so busy. But in those weeks I have been blessed enormously by the One who created me.

So I found out back in April that I had been successful at interview for a job I had applied for. I had to keep it secret until the end of April whilst others found out whether they had also been successful. Since then it has been a waiting game. References, health checks, identity checks and so on. I found out yesterday that I will officially be starting my new job in the NHS on Monday. But I will not be doing the role I was interviewed for. I have been asked to cover a higher position until September. I was so surprised when I was asked. At this moment in time I am agency staff. I have worked for the company for only twelve weeks but they still chose me. I truly believe that God made this happen. When I started back in March I was overwhelmed with how much there was to take in. The workload was huge and due to reviews within the NHS a team of five suddenly dropped to two and a half (two full time staff and one part time). I love the job I am doing and I try my best all the time. Most days I want to go and hide in a corner until the end of the day. But I persevere and that is down to God’s strength not mine.

If you have read my blog over the last few months you will know that my brother passed away suddenly in January. As you can imagine it broke my heart. He was everything to me and I miss him more than words could ever say. God called my brother home. He took one of the most precious people in my life and five days later I started a new job. Although nothing can replace my gorgeous brother, life does, unfortunately, have to go on. I have not forgotten about him or moved on and I don’t think I will for a long time. But God has been faithful and good. Work is not a replacement but a distraction. It is helping me come to terms with adjusting. It is one of God’s many blessings. And for that I am grateful!

Break my heart…

Break my heart for what breaks yours….

The truth is that if God did that it would not just be our hearts that were broken. We would be broken people. Our minds would be filled with the horrific things that flood our newspapers and television screens. We hear about the dreadful things that happen around the world; murders, kidnappings, natural disasters, poverty, abuse,  suicides, the list is endless. God not only hears about it, He SEES it. We can only imagine the aftermath of those things but God actually sees it. He sees the homes destroyed because of  earthquakes and forest fires. He sees the people who have lost everything. He sees people dying because they have not eaten for weeks, or even months. He sees children who are trying to come to terms with the horrible things they have been through. He sees the people who have felt as though life was too much for them and those that are left behind. He sees those who remain after a life has been cut short through human feelings and actions.

God sees all these things yet He still loves us all. He loves the people who murder, the people who take others away from their loved ones. He loves those who hurt others.

God is God and He is strong enough to take on the pain and suffering of this world. We are not! God can endure the evil because He is not human. We never could. That is why He takes on all the bad. He does it so we do not have to. His heart breaks so that ours can remain whole. To me, that is true love.

107/365: Battle

107/365: Battle — We all face battles in life; some serious and some not so. We fight to save our relationships, to keep our friends, our jobs and our families together. Everything in life requires work. If we want something to work we have to put the effort in. Sometimes we can feel as though we are going round in circles and situations feel hopeless. Some of us face personal battles that can be overwhelming. Those battles are hard and tiring. They wear us out to the point that even getting out of bed or keeping our eyes open is a battle. I urge you to keep going. Keep heading towards the end of the tunnel because it will come. I promise.

The Anger Journey

Recently as part of my word challenge for this year I wrote a post about anger and how I felt towards God over the loss of my brother. Since then it has played on my mind an awful lot. I have managed to speak to other people about the anger I am feeling. I wanted to share with you a little of the journey I have been on.

61/365: Darkness

61/365: Darkness — The world we live in is full of darkness. We are surrounded by suffering, pain and hate. In my city over the last week there has been a murder of a forty four year old mother, the body of a man has been found in the canal, and another inside a house on a busy street. There have been groups of grown men fighting in the street. My heart goes out to all those families whose loved ones have been hurt or taken from them. You only have to look around the city or town you live to see darkness. You only have to open the newspaper or switch on the news channel to see how much darkness there is in the world. Martin Luther King, junior famously said Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. My prayer is that people shine a light in the darkness and share love instead of hate.

But still I will say..

It was been a difficult few weeks but still I will say God is good. Despite the tragic loss that broke my heart, God is still working in my life. I will never, ever understand why God called my brother home but I know that he is now resting in the arms of the one who created him.

I started a temporary job on Monday 12th January and it was expected to last six weeks. I have just completed my seventh week and Monday will see the start of my eightieth week. I am thankful for this job. I hear many people complain about their job but I actually enjoy work. I love getting up in the morning and going to work. I like having something that fills my day, that keeps my mind focused. In all honesty without this job I have no idea where I would be right now.

I have been attending a Bible Study on a Wednesday evening for the past fourteen weeks. I feel I am closer to God than ever before. I like hearing other people share their views on the Bible. I like hearing other people talk about how God is touching their life. God has touched my life in such a big way since October. I have been able to break a huge addiction that has controlled my life for the past five years and with His love and grace I am learning to break others. He has built my confidence. I feel free to be who He created me to be and that feels good!

16/365: Lost

16/365: Lost — A word used for many different reasons; lost car keys, a lost ten pound note, a lost pet. We can also feel lost. I cannot speak for you but feeling lost makes me feel empty. When I have lost something I feel as though I need to search for it until I have found it or replace it. However the emptiness I feel right now because of something I have lost cannot be found or replaced. You cannot replace a person who is irreplaceable

15/365: Broken

15/365: Broken — Perfect word to describe how I am feeling right now and how I have been feeling for the last week. I am broken by the loss of my gorgeous, amazing, brave, funny, smiley big brother. Life is cruel!

Goodnight Matthew

I though I was dreaming, seeing you lying there. Then I touched your cold face and realised I was awake and this was reality. You were actually gone. Tears ran down my face as I kissed your cheek. I told you I loved you so much and longed for you to say yes like you always did. But you didn’t. The only sounds were of people crying. We sat with you and talked to you. It looked as though you were just sleeping. We kissed you and told you we would come and see you again the next day.

New Year’s Day 2015

The drive home was horrible. The car was silent except for the odd sniffle as we tried to digest that you weren’t going to be coming back home. Walking into the house destroyed me. Everywhere I looked there were reminders of you; your box of toys, your coat hanging on the back of a chair, your cds stacked on the shelf. I would have given anything to have heard your banging feet coming in behind me, to hear you ask for Alison Moyet on your machine, to see you throwing your toys around the room. Anything.

Mr Tambourine Man

You have been gone for over twenty four hours and believe me they have been the longest hours of my life. I still cannot get my head around it. You are never again going to be at home with us. I will never hear you sing or laugh again. I won’t hear you ask for your favourite meal or favourite CD. I won’t ever again be told off for singing along to your music. I won’t feel your arms wrapped around me for a hug and I won’t get anymore surprise kisses. Never again will I hear you ask for a second breakfast or shout at the top of your voice for your daddy Roy. I will never again hear you say that everything, and everyone, was gorgeous.

Siblings

I always said you would be a heartbreaker. There are so many broken hearts right at this moment. You easily touched the lives of over a hundred people, possibly even two hundred. The lights of so many lives were dimmed when you closed your eyes for the final time. You brought so much happiness and joy into the lives of those around you. I am so lucky that God chose me to be your little sister. You gave me twenty three years of love, laughter, fun and memories that I will treasure. I promise I will never, ever forget you and I promise to live my life to the full. I love you more than words can ever say.

Rest in Peace gorgeous boy, until we meet again xx

I often wonder…

 I often wonder what would happen if I just left home one day and failed to return? Would people actually notice? Would they really care? Would I care what people thought?

What would happen if I just stopped turning up to my regular hangouts? If I stopped texting and calling? If I decided I did not want to be involved in the same things anymore?

Truth is, I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know where I belong. The even bigger truth is that I don’t know who I am anymore.