Unfortunately, life has to go on….

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote…life has been so busy. But in those weeks I have been blessed enormously by the One who created me.

So I found out back in April that I had been successful at interview for a job I had applied for. I had to keep it secret until the end of April whilst others found out whether they had also been successful. Since then it has been a waiting game. References, health checks, identity checks and so on. I found out yesterday that I will officially be starting my new job in the NHS on Monday. But I will not be doing the role I was interviewed for. I have been asked to cover a higher position until September. I was so surprised when I was asked. At this moment in time I am agency staff. I have worked for the company for only twelve weeks but they still chose me. I truly believe that God made this happen. When I started back in March I was overwhelmed with how much there was to take in. The workload was huge and due to reviews within the NHS a team of five suddenly dropped to two and a half (two full time staff and one part time). I love the job I am doing and I try my best all the time. Most days I want to go and hide in a corner until the end of the day. But I persevere and that is down to God’s strength not mine.

If you have read my blog over the last few months you will know that my brother passed away suddenly in January. As you can imagine it broke my heart. He was everything to me and I miss him more than words could ever say. God called my brother home. He took one of the most precious people in my life and five days later I started a new job. Although nothing can replace my gorgeous brother, life does, unfortunately, have to go on. I have not forgotten about him or moved on and I don’t think I will for a long time. But God has been faithful and good. Work is not a replacement but a distraction. It is helping me come to terms with adjusting. It is one of God’s many blessings. And for that I am grateful!

The Anger Journey

Recently as part of my word challenge for this year I wrote a post about anger and how I felt towards God over the loss of my brother. Since then it has played on my mind an awful lot. I have managed to speak to other people about the anger I am feeling. I wanted to share with you a little of the journey I have been on.

Without You

Life is so difficult without you. I just wish you were here. I would give anything to cuddle you, to talk to you. You were my best friend. I am totally lost without ♥

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82/365: Anger

82/365: Anger — I try not to allow myself to get angry. I get annoyed and frustrated but never angry. Anger is a horrible thing to feel. It is a reaction to something you have no control over, something that has happened that you cannot change. Recently anger has been having its way with me. I hate to admit that but it is true. And the one I am angry with makes it even more frustrating. I do not want to be angry but I cannot help it.

78/365: Proud

78/365: Proud — Being proud of someone or something means that we appreciate what has been done, what is being done and what will be done in the future. I am immensely proud of a number of people in my life. My parents for the way they cared for my brother. They dedicated twenty eight years of their lives to him and they did a fantastic job! Also for looking after my sister and I too. I can only imagine how difficult it would have been for them. My beautiful, amazing best friend for all she has achieved. I am proud that she is following her dreams and enjoying the London life. I am also proud of an amazing woman whose heart for the poor is admirable. She works tirelessly to help those in debt and gives them the love and support they need. My big sister has achieved so much since she left school nine years ago; graduating from two of England’s top universities, achieving her Phd in Chemistry and now working for a big company down in Cambridge. I do not say it enough but I am proud of everything she has done.

63/365: Wish

63/365:  Wish — We all wish for something; a new car, a bigger house, a spouse, more money in the bank, to be skinnier or prettier, a second chance. We all have different wishes from our friends and family. We all have an idea of what perfect looks like to us; we know what car we want to drive, what our house should look like. I am not particularly materialistic. I don’t mind that my car is not the best there is. It gets me from place to place and that is all that matters. The house I live in is not huge but it is perfect for three people. What do I wish for then? My wishes are quite deep ones. I wish to be reunited with my brother. I know one day that will come true. God only knows when that will be. But for now I have to carry on as best as I can. I wish that my family are able to find true happiness again and that they are able to laugh and smile like they did before. I wish for my friends who are not Christians to come to know God and accept Him as their Saviour. Heaven sounds beautiful and I do not want them to miss it!

57/365: Birthdays

57/365: Birthdays — Most people love their birhday. It is the one day in the whole year where people HAVE to be nice to you. We all enjoy our birthdays for different reasons; presents, cards, seeing family, having a party, eating cake. Some people say, when they get to a certain age, they are too old to celebrate their birthday. I do not agree. You should celebrate your birthday. The day you were born was a special day for many people. You are a precious gift to others. Why should you not celebrate your life so far? Your achievements, the talents you have developed, the friends you have made. So go on, on your birthday, blow the candles out and help yourself to a slice of cake…or two!!

Today’s post is dedicated to my brother; Matthew Albert Swallow. He would have celebrated his 29th birthday today. We wish we could celebrate together but we know that cannot happen. So Matthew, enjoy your party, sing your little heart out and dance until you can dance no more. I love you xxx

52/365: Heaven

52/365: Heaven — Yesterday I spoke about home. As a Christian I believe that my  home is in Heaven. I truly believe that when my time on this Earth is up I will find myself in Heaven. I do not want to sound as though I am wishing my life away but I cannot wait for that day. That day will be the day I come face to face with my Saviour. I will also get to see those who have been called home before me; my four grandparents, my Auntie Susan who I never got the chance to meet in this life, my beautiful Auntie Irene and my gorgeous big brother. The famous Billy Graham once said: My home is in Heaven. I’m just travelling through this world. Amen!

50/365: Missing

50/365: Missing — We all miss something or someone. You can miss the days when you were younger and had no cares in the world. You can miss someone who has gone away. Today the miss I am feeling is overwhelming. I miss my gorgeous big brother. I miss his laughter and his smile. I miss him singing along to his music. I miss his hugs and kisses. The only comfort I have is knowing that he is resting in the arms of his Saviour. Missing you always xxx

19/365: Music

19/365: Music – Music has been a major part of my life since the day I was born. As my brother was blind, music was his thing. Because of his special needs he was limited to what he could do. Therefore music was a huge part of his life. He would listen to everything and anything. He knew all the old songs as well as the new ones. He listened to artists I had never even heard off. Music touches people. Music brings out emotions and memories. Music will be a constant reminder of my brother. I have many memories that I can look back on that will make me cry, and laugh at the same time as I remember the times I shared with my gorgeous big brother.